Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Broken but not Bereft.

Nobody, myself included, likes to be in pain. Since Saturday, I've been in physical pain. It was so bad Sunday night I wondered each time I fell asleep where I would wake - here in my own bed, or in the arms of Jesus. I figured I wan't having a heart attack, as I know enough to test those signs, but the pain I experienced was excrucitating. I debated waking my hubby and going to the hospital, but because I have such a low threshold of pain anyway I wasn't sure whether it was serious enough to warrant it. I figured God would give me a sense of urgency if I needed to get help, and He didn't, so I rode it out. When I finally got in to see my doctor on Monday afternoon, she thinks it is a pulled muscle on the chest wall. I had thought of several things I could have by then, none of them good. Since I was hauling around chairs and tables at church on Friday, getting ready for a function Saturday morning, this makes sense. I have some medication and it's eased considerably.
But the experience made me think on how I reacted to being in that pain. Instead of panicking and flying off the handle, I asked God what to do. To be perfectly honest, this astounds me. Really. Wow. Does this mean I'm growing up??
Personally, it's a lot harder for me to accept spiritual and emotional pain than it is physical. When I'm going through trials, and struggling to make sense of the incomprehensible, I don't want to hear, "Be still and know that I am God."
I want to scream and cry. I want answers. And sometimes there just aren't any. Sometimes life is hard. Tragic. Unbearable.
And I think it's okay to scream and cry, and get angry. It's healthy to let out grief. To admit we don't understand, and that we're angry. As long as we acknowledge that when we're done, quit our screaming and dried our tears, God is still God.
Still on the throne. Still loving us. Still merciful and just.
And He's waiting, patiently, as only He can, for us to crawl back into His lap, and rest.
Can you hear Him whisper?
"Be still, and know, I am God."
And when we do, He then begins to take our pain away.

1 comment:

Erica said...

Whoa! That comment is horrible.
When did that happen?
Did a person post it or is it a virus or something?
How awful.

I just wanted to leave a REAL comment and say I hope you are feeling better.