Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Self Doubt

I wasn't sure what else to call this post.
Since coming back from the conference, my mind has literally been swirling with things to do. I had SO many ideas for my book - the book I THOUGHT was finished - I could hardly sleep for thinking about it.
I've been writing every spare minute and then some. Things have fallen in to place remarkably quickly, and I've already written the basic plot elements that I needed to.
Now it's a matter of going over the entire manuscript again, and tweaking those final chapters AGAIN...some people actually enjoy this process. I don't.
This is the part of my writing life that scares me. It's like looking for boogy monsters under the bed.
You just might find one.
Preparing a manuscript for submission is akin to swimming in the ocean at night...you just don't know what's out there...
I'm finding it hard to concentrate. I'm hearing a little voice inside my head telling me I should quit now because it's no good.
I'm trying not to listen to that voice, but I know a small part of me believes it.
I think it's because my writing has become a reality.
People are actually interested in my book.
Real live editors and agents. And they're going to expect something from me....
Picture me running off into the distant mountains screaming and waving my arms...!
Okay, yes, perhaps I need to be highly medicated right now...can somebody just slap me??
I KNOW I can do this. How many people actually finish writing a 100,000 word novel and stick around to read it a million times...you know? This is hard work.
I'm not complaining. I love it.
But it's also terrifying.
I hate rejection. Don't we all?
I guess I'd like to know how to get past this.
How do you really know your work is good enough?
When do you just bite the bullet and say whatever, I'm sending it.
I don't know if there are answers to those questions, but I just needed to ask them.
Can you be taught to believe in yourself?
If so, where do I sign up?


Rebecca said...

A friend once told me that being an author is like having a baby...you work at it and then hand it over to others, sort of like an adoption process.....eventually you get it back and it is yours again, different, but still yours. So, keep working at it.....

Paula said...

I don't know if I'll ever get to the point I completely believe in myself or my ability to write. For most of my life I fought the "inadequacy" monster and the "failure" monster. What has helped me overcome that so I can keep writing and submitting my work is this thought: I don't have to be "good enough" at this because God is. He lives inside of me and shares His resources with me. He is the Ultimate Author and is my mentor. He will not only help me write, but He will lead my writing journey.

Don't listen to the voices that hold you back. Focus on Jesus and hang on for the ride! (And feel free to throw these words back my way the next time I have a "not good enough" attack. I have no doubt but that I will.)