How Did I Get Here?

Do you ever ask yourself that? Ever look back on your life and go, "Wow. That was a ride and a half. How did I get here?"
When this happens to me, it's always with a negative spin.
I'm not sure why.
For example, tomorrow we're beginning our new Bible Study - Beth Moore's Daniel.
I'm facilitating.
I'm definitely having a 'how did I get here' moment.

Yes, I've been around the block enough to recognize where it's coming from.
But lately I'm filled with self-doubt. Lately it's been very difficult to get my head around the concept
that God loves me. Not just that He loves me, but that I'm worth it.
I'm not.
I don't feel worthy of that great love.
How did I get here?

And why do I think I'm able to accomplish any of the lofty goals I set for myself? I must be out to lunch. Permanently.

If you're old enough to remember back to the eighties, there was a song by Talking Heads that had a similar theme.
I laugh now, thinking about it. Those eighties videos were something else. Or maybe they weren't, we were just too stupid.
Again, how did I get here?

I still don't have it all figured out. I'm not sure what to do in these times of despondency.
If you would, you could pray for me.
I'll pray too.
Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.

Listen to the Wind

It has been stormy of late. Both outside in the physical realm, and within my spirit.

Today, outside a storm has arrived. The culmination of a week of rain and overcast skies.
The wind has moved in.
It's banging on the windows, rattling the shutters.
Out there, a full blown temper tantrum rages. Leaves scatter. Branches are hurled down from trees. My patio furniture
has been thrown into the pool, thank you very much.

I am safe and warm inside my house, but I think this wind would like nothing more than to kick down the front door, storm inside and turn everything upside down.
Sound familiar?

'Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.'
1Peter 5:8

When I listen to the wind, I'm reminded just how easily the storm within me can be provoked.
I rage at the things that are going wrong. I want to hurl things. I want to throw myself down on the ground,
kick and scream, and yell, "It's not fair!"

When people hurt me, I am tossed about on churning waves. I can't hear anything over the howling wind. Sometimes I chime in and add to the noise with my own wailing.
How easy it is to forget there is a plan.
A purpose.

When I listen to the wind, I sometimes forget Who is in control.
It sounds so wild, untamed and vicious.
Storms frighten me.
But then I am reminded to stand firm.
To put my trust in the One who calms the storm.
There is no storm over which He does not have control.

'Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. 24Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. 25The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!"
26He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.
27The men were amazed and asked, "What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!" ' Matthew 8:23-27

Listen to the Wind.
Let it remind you of Jesus.

When you wait on God...

Sometimes you get a miracle.
January 23rd. Four years ago today, I was sitting in a living room overlooking the South Shore, listening to my daughter having a piano lesson. I was supposed to be taking notes, but my mind was elsewhere.
My heart was heavy.
The past year, 2002, had been one of the hardest years of my life. I was emotionally drained and spiritually exhausted.
Two years prior, I embarked on a search for my birthmother. I found her and we began communicating.
At the end of 2001, I discovered that I had a sister. To cut a long story short, my birthmother did not want me to know this, and I was stuck in an impossible situation. I was torn between wanting to respect my birthmother, and desperately longing to know the sister I had missed out on knowing for the past 36 years of my life. I wanted to do the right thing, yet I didn't know what that was.
After a year of praying and waiting, I finally knew I had to do something. I tried to contact my sister by mail, but the more time that passed, the more despondent I became. I convinced myself she really didn't want to know me.
As we entered into 2003, I was filled with questions and unresolved pain and anger the situation had caused. I still prayed to God, but my prayers were more 'whys', than 'Your will be dones'! I remember clearly one morning hearing the following words:
Let It Go.
But, God....
Oh, yeah. I know, you've been there too.
But when God speaks, we know we're going to be in a heap more trouble if we don't listen.
So I had let it go. Yet deep in my heart that longing remained, and somehow I knew God was still at work in this situation.

When we arrived home that afternoon, it was a Thursday, January 23rd, 2003, I checked my e-mail.
And screamed.
For there in my Inbox sat the first contact from my sister - and it read,
Communication At Last!

Amen and Amen.

Four years later, I still tear up thinking of that moment.
It was a miracle.
God is good.

Fasting and Praying

As some of you may know, I've been involved in Women's Ministry at our church for the past year.
We had an amazing women's retreat back in November. A wonderful time of spiritual renewal, drawing closer to God, and to each other. Relationships were established and I think we all got to know each other much better.
My friend Linda has recently felt a burden to fast and pray - she set aside Wednesday to do this, and invited others to join.
So, that's what we're doing.
I have not really fasted in the past for any length of time from food - I do suffer from the occasional migraine, and I've been afraid that skipping meals would bring one on. It's been explained to me that fasting does not HAVE to mean going without food. It's really more a giving up of something that takes your time so you're spending less time with God - I think I have that right! So I prayed about it. What should I give up on that day?
Well, Wednesday is my writing day. It's the one day of the week I set aside solely for writing. I'm on the computer all day if possible. So I thought, hmm... I spend an enormous amount of time blogging, reading blogs, writing my blog...how about that goes for that day? This will be quite a challenge for me although it may seem silly to others of you.
But every time I reach for that mouse, I'll be reminded to pray instead.
I won't be sending email or blogging, or be on MSN on Wednesdays, so if you don't hear from me on that day, that's why.
Of course if is an important email, I will respond to you, but if it can wait, it will not get an answer that day.
I would ask that you pray for me in this. It's a small step and maybe in the future, I'll be giving up bigger things, but for me, where I'm at right now, I feel like this is okay.
God has much to show us.
I can't wait!

Setbacks

It has not been a good week.
We've had a major setback in our house building process, and have had
to re-evaluate who we want to work with.
My first reaction was to settle and keep going.
And then I realized how wrong that was.
That's not what God wants for us.
He wants the best.
He will bring the best.
It may take longer than we'd hoped, and cost more, but we're willing to sacrifice what we've already got in order to get
something better.

Is that your outlook on life?
Do you settle for mediocrity, even though you know there's more?
I've done it.
Spiritually speaking, it's the worst trap to fall into.
And so easy to get stuck there.

Don't settle.
Go hard after God.
Seek Him and His plan for your life.
He won't disappoint you!

'The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed,
a stronghold in times of trouble.

Those who know your name will trust in you,
for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.'
Psalm 9:9-10

Getting it right.

It's always a struggle for me to overcome rejection.
When I receive a rejection letter, I feel like I've failed as a writer.
I just can't get it right.
Wouldn't it be much easier to throw in the towel now, and save myself years of pain and heartache?
I suppose so.
But then I wouldn't be obeying the calling God has placed on my life.
I believe He wants me to be a writer. To write books that will glorify Him and further His Kingdom.
It's a high calling.
Nobody ever said it would be easy.
Writing is one thing, but becoming a published author is quite another.
There are many variables here, and you have to get it just right.
I'm trying.
I will persevere, continue to write, grow and learn.
And one day I will get it right.

Home and reality

I flew back home this afternoon.
I was really happy to be able to spend this week with my sister and her family at this time of loss.
Although it was a sad time, we had some fun moments as well. I'm so grateful to God for allowing us to find
each other.
Back home, reality set in when I received a rejection letter regarding my manuscript. Oh well.
Such is life. I'm kind of at a loss as to what to do next, but I suppose that has to do with the fact that I'm really tired right now.
I hate rejection.
However, my DAUGHTER has not been rejected! She has been accepted into McMaster University!! Now, this is not her first choice, but it's still great to get that letter just the same!! She has until March 1 to decide so we're hoping she will receive other responses by then.
It's good to be home. I love my family.

Gone for a Bit...

My sister's father died.
I'm going to go be with her for the funeral and a couple of days after that.
I'll see ya when I see ya.

The Bible in 90 Days.

I'll be honest. When I'm not enrolled in a weekly Bible study, I really don't get into the Word as often as I should.
I wish I were more disciplined, but sadly, I am not.
I came across this program The Bible in 90 Days, put out by Zondervan. Of course it says you must buy such and such version of the Bible. I'll be honest again. I probably won't.
But I would like to give the curriculum a shot. If it will help me establish a routine of getting into the Word on a daily basis, I'm all for it.
You see, it's not that I don't want to be, it's just that I don't make the effort.
Isn't that true of so much in life.
This year, I'm going to ask God to help me change that.
To give me more self-discipline.
To give me a renewed hunger for His word and the promises He gives me through it.
To stoke the fire within me again. I know the embers are burning, but they could produce a lot more heat if I let them.
I'd love it if you'd pray for me as I commit to this challenge. And if you'd like to join in, I've put the link on my blogroll on the right hand side of this page. Let me know if you join!

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."
Matthew 6:33

What's it For?

As the new year is upon us, I've been reflecting on what is to come. Building a house is already overwhelming.
They say the devil is in the details. Maybe.
But I prefer to think God is.

We've had some raised eyebrows, and some comments such as "Why are you building a big house when your kids are almost off to college?" in effect, "Shouldn't you be downsizing?"
Well, no.

First of all, we recognize this land, and the means to build our dream home, is a gift from God.
We've committed it to Him and we're committed to doing His will with it.

I have no doubt our house will ever be empty. One way or another, it will be used for those who need it most.
We have plans for a small guest cottage on the property. This house will be open to anyone in ministry, pastors, speakers, Young Life leaders, and yes, Christian authors - you are in ministry!
If you can get to Bermuda, you will have a place to stay.
And of course I'm sure family and friends, whether in ministry or not, will make good use of it as well.
I'm looking forward to this stage of my life.
Writing and caring for others.
How cool is this going to be?

So, if you want to be on the list, first come first served! Let me know.
We expect to be in by next year, God willing.
I'm going to try and convince ACFW to move the conference to Bermuda after Texas!! Ha. Like that would happen.
I think it's a great idea though! Especially if they stay at the hotel just up the road from our new house...
You never know!